6/28/17

solo canoed for many hours in the afternoon. realized while putting in that four years ago I did this exact thing after learning of AP’s passing. the lake was misty then, water black. today a big wind, healthy clouds, brown river full with birch foam. 

2013 I did not know that I was bipolar. I accepted my episodes as something that happened to me rather than a part of how my energy flows. in the weeks prior to his death I thought of killing myself every day, almost all the time. despite how I was in the most beautiful place, in love and working with children. learning of it - stabbed in a protest - completely rocked my world. I beat myself up for wanting death when this person - one who was truly good - died far too soon. 

follow that with just barely getting my degree, manic frenzies, losing three jobs in a row, overdose scare, losing a friend to overdose, going to rehab…

and becoming an artist, waking up to the reality of my mental needs, accepting that I dont have to force myself into certain ways of life, forgiving my past abusers, trauma, codependencies. learning to love myself and flow. 

2017 I have had extraordinary success with my art so far. I’m not done learning, healing, but so so much better. 

I didn’t know Andrew well but had extraordinarily genuine interactions with him which I remember well. it is hard for me to think of this day because all I remember is the complex agony I was going through at the time and it really has nothing to do with him. 

but it feels significant now because Trump is our president and I want nothing more than to grab on to the people I love and who also imagine a future of freedom from authoritarianism, capitalism et cetera. the imperative to find solutions that bring us to a better world is all the more heightened. andrew had a mission of peace. now more than ever that is my mission also, in a different sense. I feel it as part of my need as a human being and also as a part of how and who I am - bipolar, bisexual, genderfluid, mixed race, anarcho-marxist, what the fuck ever - point is we need to carve a new channel and way of life. just do it. build something new, build it with a coalition of trust and ingenuity. 

rest in peace